I've tried to analyze myself these past several years, but I've never been able to figure out why Autumn is the season that hits me the hardest. I will cruise right through all of the other seasons, but when September/October comes around, I start to ache incredibly for children. We haven't wanted to complain or rail against the heavens for this trial, but sometimes I want to say, "This sucks. No, I don't know how this will turn out." We do look to our Heavenly Father a lot on this subject, but the ache doesn't completely go away.... My good friend Cally recently sent me a newspaper article that perfectly worded how this gut-wrenching trial feels. It is an article written by Laura Bush (which I hadn't known beforehand that they had dealt with infertility). She says, "The calendar advanced, and there was no baby. The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child, or friend we have all manner of words and praises, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for the absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"
As I read this article, I finally felt like someone had ripped the words from my heart and laid them out for the world to see.... THIS was what I have felt while crying in the dark hours of night. THIS is the description I wish I could give to people when they ask how I'm doing....
Yes, I know people say I will long for these quiet times when I'll have a crying baby in my arms, or that I should enjoy the time I have. I kind of cringe when I hear this. I wonder how they picture my life? Adam and I DEFINITELY don't lay around crying all day. We travel around the world. We go on dates. We laugh. We play. But at the end of the day we don't have a little one to carry on our name or a little body to snuggle with that tells us they love us. THOSE are the moments we ache for. THOSE are the moments that make it hard to swallow the pain. This is why we pray for God's help...
(PS. I REALLY hesitated posting this.... It's so raw...)
17 comments:
Wow. I have never read that excerpt from Laura Bush... that was, perfect. That is exactly how I felt for so many years as well.
People who say these things (i.e.- enjoy the time you have, you'll wish you never had them later), I think they mean well... but they are so ignorant. They don't know what to say, and it comes off as offensive (which it is to those of us living it).
And we can say 'everyone has their trials', which is true. But this ache for something- this yearning for a tiny hand- for something more in life- it is so personal and so deep. A child is an extension of ourselves. The yearning for children is innate and healthy. It's just so hard, Shari. I think of you very often and I always hope that your quest for children will explode into happiness.
As one who has gone through it and will continue to go through it forever... I still don't know what to say. Did I ever tell you the best advice I ever received? It was
"Just do the best you can."
Whether the best you can do is crying (I think it's good to take an evening and cry about it every once in a while) or the best you can do is to forget about it for a season, or the best you can do is to think about it all day, every day. Just do the best you can.
Have you ever read the book "Fertile in Our Faith" by Christa Ralston Oakes? If not, I highly suggest buying it. I've read it several times. It will validate everything you are feeling, as well as uplift you and give you hope for the future.
Because, you see... there IS hope. I look at my sweet Megan and I weep. I NEVER want anyone else to have to face the pain that we faced to get her. Yet, I know YOU feel that pain. And I'm so sad for you that it has to be this way. However, I love Megan more than ANY other mother loves ANY other child. I'm not just saying that. I don't take my child for granted. I worked SO hard to get her. Every moment with her makes up for the coarse wilderness we had to trudge through to find her. Every moment with her is from Heaven. And I know you will feel the same way, when you finally get a child of your own, however that may be. So, you see, there IS hope, and it IS going to happen, and it IS going to be more amazing than you ever dreamed. And you WILL know that you are a better person for it.
Sorry I'm so long-winded, but I have strong feelings on the subject. In times of depression I would try to think of all my wonderful blessings, and as hard as it was, to say a prayer of thanks. This is something that always made me feel better. Or, even better, to get really involved in my calling. That would work wonders too.
Shari, you are such an incredible woman, and I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. Things WILL get better and miracles WILL happen in your life. It might take more time than you hope, but it WILL be worth it.
I'm here if you ever need me. Love you.
p.s.- I think a blog is the best place to say something "raw" :)
I think it is great that you posted this. It is great to use this forum to express how you feel and your friends will not judge you, you have allowed them to mourn with you to help carry your burden, to pray for you. We love you guys and I am sorry you have to go through this. And don't listen to those unhappy people who say horrible things like "you won't feel this way when a baby is crying all night" or something stupid . . . you may forget sometimes once you get a baby in times when they are being difficult, but trust me, you definately react differently, I believe you will have more patience because you will be more grateful for that precious child than some others. May the good Lord bless.
I am so so sorry Shari! My heart aches for you and Adam. You are so wonderful. I keep you in my prayers.
My heart aches for you! I love you girl!
I love you for posting something so raw, something so straight from your heart. I can not even begin to imagine the rollercoaster you and Adam go on. You are so amazingly strong. I wish we knew the "why" because it really does just suck!
I never knew either that the Bush's struggled with that. I'm sorry that you are going through this struggle. If I had a way, I would take it from you in a heartbeat. I always wonder why such wonderful people have a hard time having children when there are unworthy people who pop out children like they are candy. I don't get it now and i don't know if i ever will. I love you guys and you are always on my mind. Love you tons.
Big hugs to you guys. My heart aches for you. We will continue to keep you in our prayers.
One of my favorite quotes I came across in a fertility book I had read a good while ago: "I don't know why we have been chosen to undertake such a painful journey, why we must go through such struggles to bring our children into the world. But I do know that when we look into our babies' faces, they will never have to wonder if they were really wanted. Ours are the children, who no matter how they came to us, will look at their parents and know, from the deepest place in their heart, how much we cherish them, and how we labored to give them life. And in that there is no greater security and no greater gift."
Thank you for posting that. I really wish there was more to say that would give you some comfort. Just know that I love you and am here for you. I am willing to help with ANYTHING! Please know that I am hugging you long distance right now!!
Amen. You know that though. It's amazing how you think that you've finally learned to handle that nameless emotion, but... It never does quite go away. I agree with the others, that is the perfect quote. I may steal it from you. Perfect words are hard to find to express perfect grief. Thank you for sharing. Sometimes raw feels really good to share.
ps, my word verification is "being" how perfect is that.
Shari,
Don't ever apologize for being raw. It takes courage. Every day you have courage. I admire you. I don't know who would ever say that you will wish for the peace and quiet once you get a baby. That is so insensitive. All I can say is that it is sad that is how they define their experience with being parents. There are so many wonderful awesome experiences with having a baby in your life. I would not want you to miss one minute of it. But Harmony is right. You will love even deeper because the more pain, the more joy you can feel. You WILL get this. I know you will. We just don't know for sure when.
I have no words to say for the love I have for your friends sis. They are so right. We pray for you, we ache for you and if I had the money I would help you in a heart beat. I know that the money isn't all that you need, but just know that we love you, pray for you, fast for you and wish we could help. You do have children that are yours, it is just that Grandma is still instructing them on how to get along in this world that they are going to lead out in. You are both so wonderful and have so much to offer your children. Just get ready 'cause they will be a product of you and Adam!!!!!! such a great gene pool to gather from! Love ya sis!
Oh, Shari. You know how much I love you! I'm so sorry...trials stink. And I wish for nothing more than a speedy end to yours.
Hugs, babe!
Okay, I read this a few days ago and it has been on my mind and in my heart since. I think it was a perfect description of the ache that ones feels going through this. I remember crying and crying and feeling like I'd lost someone every month, and then thinking how can that be, there was no one to loose? Harmony is right, the love you feel will be so much deeper and the happiness so much greater. As for what other people say, they're wrong! You will always treasure the time in your life that you got to spent getting to know and love your husband. I know I did, but parenthood will just be a wonderful addition to that! Those same people will tell you that the ephoric state you feel after becoming a mother will pass and you'll get sick of the crying and diapers and the... They're wrong, and I think a little jealous. You will enjoy the blessings of motherhood someday and you never take those joys for grated. And you will come to pity those poor people that don't appreciate the gift they've been given.
I know it's rough and it can seem like it's going to last forever. . . I'm so sorry you have to hurt like this, but I don't wish I could take it away from you. Because, someday it will be the source of SO MUCH JOY, and that's what I wish for you, all of the happiness that will replace this sorrow! I love you and am always here, especially if you just need an understanding ear.
I love you! I love this. I love it for being raw. I love it for being honest. I love you! (Did I already mention that). I passed it on to share with my sister-in-law. I hope that's ok.
It is wonderful that you found words for what you are going through. It is amazing the relief that comes when you find a way to voice the ache you feel inside. I am sad for you both. I know how hard it can be to be in a ward like ours, you want to feel happy for all the DOZENS of women who are with child but inside you are hurting an longing for the joy they are experiencing. You have such a great attitude about life. I am always impressed with the smiles on your two faces as you go through struggles or hardships. Bravo to you.
I feel the same way you do about the crying baby, you will have a deeper appreciation for those night that the baby will not stop crying because of this trial.
I love you!
Love you, Sis. Sorry you're hurting. Wish I could help! THose people who say that are (unintentionally I'm sure) mean. Sorry.
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