I've tried to analyze myself these past several years, but I've never been able to figure out why Autumn is the season that hits me the hardest. I will cruise right through all of the other seasons, but when September/October comes around, I start to ache incredibly for children. We haven't wanted to complain or rail against the heavens for this trial, but sometimes I want to say, "This sucks. No, I don't know how this will turn out." We do look to our Heavenly Father a lot on this subject, but the ache doesn't completely go away....
My good friend Cally recently sent me a newspaper article that perfectly worded how this gut-wrenching trial feels. It is an article written by Laura Bush (which I hadn't known beforehand that they had dealt with infertility). She says, "The calendar advanced, and there was no baby. The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child, or friend we have all manner of words and praises, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for the absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"
As I read this article, I finally felt like someone had ripped the words from my heart and laid them out for the world to see.... THIS was what I have felt while crying in the dark hours of night. THIS is the description I wish I could give to people when they ask how I'm doing....
Yes, I know people say I will long for these quiet times when I'll have a crying baby in my arms, or that I should enjoy the time I have. I kind of cringe when I hear this. I wonder how they picture my life? Adam and I DEFINITELY don't lay around crying all day. We travel around the world. We go on dates. We laugh. We play. But at the end of the day we don't have a little one to carry on our name or a little body to snuggle with that tells us they love us. THOSE are the moments we ache for. THOSE are the moments that make it hard to swallow the pain. This is why we pray for God's help...
(PS. I REALLY hesitated posting this.... It's so raw...)
As mentioned in previous posts, Adam and I LOVE to travel. It's in our very blood and has led to many wonderful and amazing adventures in the past 5 years. Adam was feeling a little anxious to hit the open road over Labor Day weekend so we looked at our Bucket List and found something that was within our price range. The Grand Canyon was the lucky winner :) I was a little nervous because of my walking boot, but there were still plenty of trails and sights for me to hobble around to.
A big bug that welcomed us. I have NEVER seen a beetle this big!
Complete bliss
Our view while eating lunch. Amazing, right?
Livin' on the edge
Cutsie couple shot :)
